


Living in Fear

by DianaMoon



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Community: bridge2sickbay, Fear, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Not Quite Gen, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Unrequited Love, cowardice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-23
Updated: 2009-11-23
Packaged: 2017-11-03 10:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DianaMoon/pseuds/DianaMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know fear. I live with it every damned day I'm up on this tin can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Living in Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Bridge2Sickbay. Prompt: Kirk/McCoy - Fear

I know fear. I live with it every damned day I'm up on this tin can. Sure I was able to fool myself and the psychologists enough that I can ride a shuttle craft without (much) of a problem but that don't mean I'm all hunky dory on transporters. Especially if we have eccentric Scottish engineers and BOY geniuses playing around with it trying to improve them. Hell, they mess it up more than improve but the Captain lets them have at it, the crazy fool.

Anyone in Medical also knows fear well. Fear of losing a patient, fear that it was their fault, fear that they know fuck all of what they're doing. So on top of my phobias, I got all the regular fears that comes with the territory and now, a brand spankin' new one.

With Joce, I never had any fears. Maybe that was the problem. I was completely oblivious to what was going on for YEARS until I walked in on her and... Well, that did bring on a whole set of others whenever I did try to date and all, not that Jim ever believed I dated at the Academy. But what would he know, chasing every remotely attractive man or woman on top of trying to get Uhura's name the hard way.

I kinda figured this new fear after the Narada Incident, but never really let it sink in till the first failed mission. Cause it was routine, it shouldn'tve failed like it did. But suddenly I had both Spock and Jim on the table trying to ensure they didn't die over a stupid sentient plant of all things. Spock, though having such screwed up anatomy for being a half-Vulcan, was easy to heal, and I sent him on his way soon enough.

Jim on the other hand? Allergic to so many antidotes I'm surprised he wasn't grounded by the Academy doctors. Seriously what part of space being full of danger and DISEASE did people not understand? Hours later, he finally started to respond to medications and I took a brief respite.

And as the saying goes, that's when it hit me. I loved the damned fool. Not as friends, or in a brotherly sort, but as honest to God feelings of the heart. And that I had for a rather long time. I mean, if I was going to get worked up over a simple mission gone wrong, what would happen down the line when there were complicated and dangerous missions?

I would be doomed. And that's what I now live with. The constant fear of James T. Kirk dying in my arms with me not being able to do a damned thing. Don't help I'm too damned afraid to even tell him of this fear, of these feelings. So fear upon fear upon stupid fear. And people wonder why I'm so crotchety at times.

Jim, he likes to face his fears. I on the other hand, can only live with it.


End file.
